The ones who love us best are the ones we’ll lay to rest,
And visit their graves on holidays at best
The ones who love us least are the ones we’ll die to please
If it’s any consolation, I don’t begin to understand them
Gonna make you a star
And show the world your green, green eyes
See your smiling face
We could turn it upside down
We could turn it inside out
We’ll give you everything
Things that you’d never need
Things that you’d never dream
Things like eternity
Gonna make you a star
Albert Bierstadt, On the Saco (found at Laudator Temporis Acti)
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Schadenfreude needs about 2 minutes in the microwave first, and a parsley garnish works wonders.
Look at this man:
This man is Kelly Keagy.
This. Man. Is.
Quality Asian food staples are not easy to come by here in Downeast Maine. A few stores carrry the wonderful Huy Fong family of sauces, and it’s not much effort to find small bottles of decent soy sauce, mirin, Chinese black vinegar, etc. Anything more exotic involves a trip to one of the cities. If I can’t make it to Boston — which is unfortunately more often than not these days — Portland is a fine backup.
Since the kids and I were driving back home from New Hampshire yesterday, a stop to replenish the pantry seemed in order. My usual Asian market was closed, so we stopped at the flagship Hannaford store off of the Back Cove. I loaded up the cart with sauces, rice sticks, nam pla — whatever I thought I might never get again should the state decide to end all imports of tasty foods and demand its residents stick to the potatoes and sticks that made Maine #1 in rickets and scurvy throughout the country in the early 1900′s. Then, on the way to the registers, I spotted this beauty:
A can of baked squid. Not only “non-fried,” but also “crispy and fun!” I couldn’t resist. $2.09 for 80 grams of “Squid, Sugar, Salt, Chilli, Soybean sauce, MSG (plants), Capsicum Oreoresin (plants), FD&C Yellow No. 5 (synthetic).” But there were warning signs:
- The UPC scan did not return a valid item or price. The cashier called for a “price check,” but missed out on the chance of bringing me ultimate joy by fully requesting for a “price check on Mr. Squid baked squid, crispy and fun.”
- The manager on duty gave me a quizzical look after seeing the item, like it was destined for a boudoir activity.
- Upon opening the can in the car, the eldest boy said “that looks and smells just like the fish food at home.”
- The mascot on the can has a polyped head, sunglasses, ten fingers and a tail, which he is waving around in what I can only imagine is a mating ritual focused on the consumer.
We crunched forward, nonetheless. They look almost exactly like Waffeletten without chocolate, and the initial taste is nearly as sweet. The flavor quickly turns fishy and lightly spicy, with a light crunch. And like most odd Asian snacks I come across, I’m hooked.