I really should create and market new headache remedies to assist us old fogeys in dealing with the abominable pablum on Top 40 radio. I’ve already put the cart before the horse by coming up with product names before starting the R&D:
Rage Against the Migraine
Christina Analgesia
Excedrinescence featuring Paul McCoy
Advil Lavigne
Attention Media Members: please feel free to use these awful headlines I’ve created in your obsessive coverage of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s gubernatorial bid:
Congratulations are due to Fikrad, who displayed exemplary bravery and élan by subjecting herself to a blind date and riding it through to the inevitable outcome: an awkward hug in a parking lot.
Can a computer help a human being solve his inner mental torment? We’ve asked Solaris 8, a UNIX-based operating system developed by Sun Microsystems, to see if it can.
mpg@carmen: help me oh god help ERROR: Key 'me' not found (he1) ERROR: Key 'oh' not found (he1) ERROR: Key 'god' not found (he1) help: help [arg] (When all else fails execute "help stuck".)
mpg@carmen: i can't work i can't work i can't work Unmatched '.
mpg@carmen: if i can't get out of this rut i think i'll die if: Expression Syntax.
mpg@carmen: what the hell am i supposed to do can't open the (26) can't open hell (26) can't open am (26) can't open i (26) can't open supposed (26) can't open to (26) can't open do (26)
Captions are needed for the following photo, taken twenty minutes ago:
The item pictured at right is:
a) More dynamic and exciting than Ben Affleck in Gigli
b) My particular rock off the coast of Maine
c) Microscopic and crawling on you right now
d) What you’re supposed to be neverminding while paying attention to the Sex Pistols
e) Other
As always, answers accepted in the comments.
I’ll never understand why so many people think Maine is a bizarre backwards state, forever destined to the rear corners of American minds along with Wyoming, Idaho, and the like.
We have modern amenities such as broadband Internet access and hot water (agua caliente for our Spanish-speaking readers — ¡Saludos amigos!). There are places where one can play bocce under pretty trees while enjoying a crisp alcoholic beverage. Our instititutions of higher learning perform groundbreaking research involving putting blueberries into hamburgers. And the artistic and literary acheivements of many residents are…wait a second, putting blueberries into hamburgers?
Forget everything I’ve just said. This place is more backwards than Jim Marshall driving a car in reverse on Opposite Day.
The responsibilities of parenthood include handling unforeseen disasters with a hearty mix of humor and poise, as illustrated by the following letter I recently sent to a manufacturer of audio equipment:
Grado Labs
4614 Seventh Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11220
Dear Good Grado People:
I was fortunate to receive a set of your SR60 headphones for my birthday four years ago. They performed admirably at everything I threw at them: loud obnoxious music, soft obnoxious music, computer games, and a 30-watt guitar amplifier. But no matter how much pride you take in your engineering and manufacturing methods, it is my duty to inform you that your headphones experience severe failure when confronted by a four-year-old boy with garden shears.
As much as I would like to blame you for not encasing the headphones’ cables within some hyper-reinforced sleeve, I readily admit that all fault is my own — although I do reserve the right to blame the garden shears’ manufacturer for neglecting to include a smart-technology safeguard against cutting “Daddy’s Things.” I suppose that with the vast selection of other items in the house to be severed, I should be quite pleased that a non-living object bore the brunt of my child’s wrath. I know the cats are.
I have enclosed the remains of my SR60s for your inspection and amusement. Perhaps your service department sees this sort of thing all the time, and can order up a “Scrape ‘n’ Tape
ROCK OFF COAST OF MAINE (MG) — Tensions remain high along the DMZ as a soldier from the People’s Union of Chicken examines two Republic of Duck sentries leaving their guardhouse. Several skirmishes involving kitchen scraps and feed pellets have exploded over recent weeks.
What this world really needs is a bagel that’s easily converted into a hand grenade, so that when you are in the middle of eating it on your drive to work and you are cut off by a cell-phone-gabbing lunatic, it’s no trouble to sidle up next to him in the breakdown lane, lob your breakfast ordnance through the open window of his Ford Intrusion, and blissfully speed ahead as an explosion sends the guy to Bad Driving Tourist hell.
No one’s invented this yet, though, so I had to settle for throwing my regular ol’ bagel at the guy.
If anyone sees a large black Ford SUV with Ohio plates in the region, please stop the driver and ask “if he’d like more cream cheese with that.”