New Name Needed, Apply Within

To whomever found this site by using Google to search for “nancy wilson heart cleavage”:
I like the way you think.

I think the reason that dog racing is not as popular as NASCAR racing is that it’s really hard to stick a Dodge-360 CID small block V8 into a greyhound without adversely affecting the greyhound’s performance.

If I had been a framer of the Consitution of the United States of America, I think I would have added something to Article II, Section 3, where certain responsibilities of the President are enunciated, requiring that the President spend at least two hours a day solving complicated mathematical equations, and the Vice President is not allowed to help, so there would be no point in asking someone like John Nash or Norbert Wiener to be one’s running mate, unless they had really good ideas about enforcing the Sarbanes-Oxley Act or something like that. I think this would have stopped that whole Clinton-Lewinsky thing in its infancy, because the ladies aren’t hot for math nerds.

Sometimes I really wish that cats could talk, because I’d love to know what they would say after using the litter box. I imagine they’d say “I just pooped in a box” a lot.

I think older white people wouldn’t be so scared of rap music if rappers watched more reruns of Matlock, because then the rappers would know that older white people can be really smart and tough in their own way, and the rap music might no longer be about guns and money and ho’s, but instead would have clever references to comfortable clothing with elastic waistbands and the need for extra calcium. I would like Mr. 50 Cent to consider this.

• When “Pac-Man Fever” comes on in your iTunes Party Shuffle, an angel gets its wings.
• Step on a crack, you’ll fall right in if you’re Mary-Kate Olsen.
• If the groom drops the wedding band during the ceremony, J-Lo won’t even notice, because she’ll already be hooking up with an usher.
• Red sky at night, sailor’s delight; Hagar in Van Halen, sailors jump from railing.

What is so great about computers and the Internet is how I am always just a few keystrokes away from knowing whom Jennifer Lopez is married to at any given moment.

Instead of changing her name to “Esther” and blabbing about it to anyone who would listen, I think Madonna should have changed her name to something secret, kinda like Rumplestiltskin did, waiting in silence for people to guess what it was and then awarding a prize to the winner, because then we could all get together and agree to not guess the new name and she would remain silent for a very long time, which would be a much nicer sound than anything on American Life.

Whenever I’m feeling down and depressed, I like to imagine that I’m the king of a very powerful country, only the power comes from my citizenry’s advanced dancing abilities, and whenever I send them off to war it is really a dance war, and we are always better dancers and therefore the victors, and before I feed the losers to the alligators I tell them what a good job they did.

Instead of selecting Peter Camejo as his running mate, I think Ralph Nader should have held a contest where everyone in America would vote for their favorite type of candy, and then huge amounts of the candy that won the contest would be given to every American for free. Then since Americans really like candy, some would eat their huge supply too fast and get sick or die, and then Ralph Nader could use his Consumer Advocacy Superpowers to sue the manufacturer of the candy for a whole lot of money, and then Ralph would have so much money that he would lose interest in running for President, which would be nice for me because I think he is very weird and I don’t like seeing him on TV. But I do like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, which is my vote in case he decides to listen to my advice.