So there’s lots of talk about the Tampa Bay Devil Rays’ 11-game winning streak, which is newsworthy because the team has always been pretty bad since they formed six years ago, when they had Wade Boggs who used to play for the Red Sox but had to move away from Boston because he had lots of sex with someone named Margo, which is like totally understandable. But I think an even better story would be about a Little League baseball team that has never ever won a game by scoring more runs than their opponent, which is how baseball games are won, but instead has a coach that says “no matter what the score is, I think you’re all winners,” and how that team had a twenty-five-game streak of being winners and was already the #1 seed in the playoffs of the Going Out For Ice Cream After The Game Championship.
I think that instead of terrorists hating Americans and Americans hating terrorists and other countries hating other countries, everyone should just instead agree that Tina Yothers is kind of annoying and that Family Ties really wasn’t a very good show.
Today is like your mom making you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the kind of bread you like, soft and mushy and white, instead of the organic crap she’s been buying that’s dotted with seeds and small pebbles and barnacles, and the sun is shining and you’re allowed to watch TV for an extra hour because you’re dad’s out at the bar again because his college friend Popper is in town, and the name of the show on the television is The Dukes of Hazzard.
Today is like a rock concert where you’ve just had your first beer ever and there are girls from your high school in tube tops whom you’ve never seen before in tube tops and your parents have gone to Switzerland for two weeks for the Festival of Clocks and the name of the band playing is Hall and Oates.