New Name Needed, Apply Within

Late last night, I realized I was missing something.
I’ve owned a house on Mt. Desert Island for nearly a year. It’s a nice house, but it has a problem. It doesn’t have a name.
Martha Stewart’s 26-acre estate in Seal Harbor is named “Skylands.” My one-acre compound may not be as large or pink as hers, but dammit it deserves a name.
So for the next few days, I will be considering what to call the grounds that make up my island home. It must be pretentious enough to instill fear in the townspeople, yet warm enough to not frighten my children. I’m considering something with the word “farm” in it, since we have a handful of chickens and I have eaten a few tomatoes that I grew. Something containing “wood” would work, since we’re surrounded by trees. But I’m open to anything. I really need a nice name to paint on a rock next to the “Severe Tire Damage” sign I’m planning on putting near our driveway to discourage tourists from turning around there.
So suggest away, in the comments section. Besides the “farm” and “wood” explanations I gave above, here are a few other things to keep in mind:

• Our dog, Elly, enjoys running around and urinating on all areas of the grounds
• The wind chill should be under -40 later tonight
• Some famous Mt. Desert Island landowners, besides Martha: David Rockefeller, Caspar Weinberger, Jimmy Buffett, Paul Newman, Connie Chung and Maury Povich
• I call the property a “compound” because we have a nice big shed, a smaller garden shed, a chicken coop, and a doghouse
• The word “lobster” is not acceptable in any function whatsoever

The crime wave on the island continues, shockingly claiming new species amongst its participants:

BAR HARBOR — Two black-and-white oxen ran up the Indian Point Road Saturday morning. Shortly after, they returned to their farm.

Shortly after what, precisely? After stealing ashtrays, perhaps?

On the drive to work today, the local morning news clowns announced that Caribou, a city roughly 220 miles north of my island home, was experiencing freezing fog. That’s ludicrous. It’s enough to make me send this suggestion over to Augusta for consideration as the new state motto:

Maine: Ain’t Nothin’ We Can’t Freeze

Mount Desert Island in Maine is a hotbed of criminal activity, possibly the most dangerous place I have ever lived. Every Thursday, this weblog will report the most horrific criminal incident from the police log as reported by the Bar Harbor Times.
This week’s entry is particularly chilling:

MOUNT DESERT — Police received a report of an ashtray being stolen from a car parked on Main Street in Northeast Harbor on Jan. 26.

I’m still shaking at the thought that that could have been my ashtray, from my car. Someone hold me.