Instead of selecting Peter Camejo as his running mate, I think Ralph Nader should have held a contest where everyone in America would vote for their favorite type of candy, and then huge amounts of the candy that won the contest would be given to every American for free. Then since Americans really like candy, some would eat their huge supply too fast and get sick or die, and then Ralph Nader could use his Consumer Advocacy Superpowers to sue the manufacturer of the candy for a whole lot of money, and then Ralph would have so much money that he would lose interest in running for President, which would be nice for me because I think he is very weird and I don’t like seeing him on TV. But I do like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, which is my vote in case he decides to listen to my advice.
I think that instead of terrorists hating Americans and Americans hating terrorists and other countries hating other countries, everyone should just instead agree that Tina Yothers is kind of annoying and that Family Ties really wasn’t a very good show.
Not John Kerry. He makes things happen instantly!
Kerry Unveils Plan to Create Manufacturing Jobs During Visit to NH Factory
If this man can create manufacturing jobs simply by visiting a factory, then why the hell is he running for President? He should be ferried at government expense from factory to factory, plant to plant, assembly to assembly, working his unique brand of employment magic until the national industrial engine is fully manned.
How does he do it? I can only guess that Senator Forbes Kerry strutted into this particular New Hampshire factory foreman’s office flanked by two representatives of Manchester’s unemployed class, peeled a thousand C-notes off the $525 million wad he carries with him at all times, and declared “these two men now work for you, and you shall pay them $50,000 this year using this trifling amount of money I have just placed into your wretched hands.” That seems the kind of common touch for which the man is so well known.
Perhaps his next step should be unleashing a plan to create clearer headlines during his next visit to campaign HQ.
Thank goodness that Dan has taken on the tough job of insightful political gamesmanship. Compare and contrast your favorite nutjob candidates of today with the nutjob candidates of yesteryear with his Presidential Primary Matchup Poll. Get your answers in now for a chance to win valuable prizes from the New Hampshire seacoast, which Dan doesn’t know he’s offering to winners yet.
While the Matchup Poll is a fine use of the Internet for the making of political funny, there is truly only one example that dared to ask the most important question: Which fringe Presidential candidate should be Van Halen’s next singer?
Help answer the most important question in modern government history: Which political figure looks most like Skeletor?
My kids have the same reaction when handled by Democrats.
Tucker Carlson, one of the hosts of CNN’s Crossfire, has a new book out about his experiences as a television news commentator. I like what I’ve read of his writing in the past, so I popped over to Amazon to buy the book.
Amazon, however, appears to have a view of Tucker’s co-host that is less than optimal. I decided to let CNN know this through their online contact form:
Please advise Tucker that Amazon.com feels that people who buy his new book “Politicians, Partisans, and Parasites: My Adventures in Cable News” may also be interested in Colon Disorders, Herbal Parasite Remedies, and Parasite Elimination Help.
Personally, I think it’s rather rude of them to describe Carville like that.
Michael Genrich
Southwest Harbor, ME
If they air this letter, I’ll buy all my regular readers a slice of pie.
Some things don’t need words to explain them. Below is one of those things.
John Edwards’s campaign headquarters in Portsmouth, New Hampshire (click picture for larger image):
Thanks to Dan for the photo.
Attention Media Members: please feel free to use these awful headlines I’ve created in your obsessive coverage of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s gubernatorial bid:
- The Two-Year-Terminator
- Jingle All The Way To The Governor’s Mansion
- If We Elect Him, He Can’t Make Terminator 4
- What’s Harder To Spell: “Gubernatorial” Or “Schwarzenegger”?
- Now You Can Vote For A Big Austrian Guy
- Hey Let’s Make Another Insipid Reference To “Total Recall” or “The Running Man” Because We’re A Sucky Small-Town Paper
I am looking for a picture of Hillary Clinton eating a sandwich. Please help me find a picture of Hillary Clinton eating a sandwich. Thank you.
UPDATE: Wow, that was fast. Thank you to the anonymous donor of the following:
PLEASE NOTE: I am not looking for pictures of Monica Lewinsky eating anything.
