New Name Needed, Apply Within

God does not play dice with the universe, because the universe is a well-known cheat. God prefers playing Yahtzee with shy European children.

I think that Rush would have been a much better band if they had replaced the singing of Geddy Lee with a prerecorded tape loop that played the sound of a large swarm of Africanized honey bees attacking a pack of young wolverines that were feasting on the remains of a family of whitetail deer that were killed by large boulders falling from a three-hundred foot high cliff. I think this would have really helped “Red Barchetta.”

While it is deservedly illegal to make threats against the President, I think it should be perfectly acceptable to make threats against yourself in front of the President, just to keep him on his toes. For example, if you wrangled your way into a $10,000-a-plate fundraising dinner, and you decided to have the salmon instead of the lamb medallions with rosemary, when the President came around to shake everyone’s hand and thank them for coming, you could stand up and say, “Mister President, I’m going to eat this piece of salmon without checking for bones,” which is clearly an act that puts yourself in danger, and the Secret Service should be powerless to stop you. This would be a fantastic scene in a movie where Harrison Ford plays the President and Clint Eastwood plays a grizzled veteran Secret Service agent, although that kind of star power probably attracts the type of catering services that meticulously check for fish bones before serving, so maybe we’ll get Steve Guttenberg and Mark Linn-Baker instead. Otherwise, we live in fascist times.

So I’ve been away for a bit, attending a conference held by nerds and the people who love nerds: other nerds. The conference was in Boston, which is still a really great city if you can ignore things like the really bad way the professional baseball team is playing, or all the Democrats in bad suits preparing for the most boring event in FleetCenter history since the last Air Supply tour. I had trouble with those things.
But I did discover something nice about travelling, which can be a good tip for all you kids about to go into college: no matter where you are in the world, booze still makes you tipsy.

To whomever found this site by using Google to search for “nancy wilson heart cleavage”:
I like the way you think.

I think the reason that dog racing is not as popular as NASCAR racing is that it’s really hard to stick a Dodge-360 CID small block V8 into a greyhound without adversely affecting the greyhound’s performance.

If I had been a framer of the Consitution of the United States of America, I think I would have added something to Article II, Section 3, where certain responsibilities of the President are enunciated, requiring that the President spend at least two hours a day solving complicated mathematical equations, and the Vice President is not allowed to help, so there would be no point in asking someone like John Nash or Norbert Wiener to be one’s running mate, unless they had really good ideas about enforcing the Sarbanes-Oxley Act or something like that. I think this would have stopped that whole Clinton-Lewinsky thing in its infancy, because the ladies aren’t hot for math nerds.

Sometimes I really wish that cats could talk, because I’d love to know what they would say after using the litter box. I imagine they’d say “I just pooped in a box” a lot.

I think older white people wouldn’t be so scared of rap music if rappers watched more reruns of Matlock, because then the rappers would know that older white people can be really smart and tough in their own way, and the rap music might no longer be about guns and money and ho’s, but instead would have clever references to comfortable clothing with elastic waistbands and the need for extra calcium. I would like Mr. 50 Cent to consider this.

• When “Pac-Man Fever” comes on in your iTunes Party Shuffle, an angel gets its wings.
• Step on a crack, you’ll fall right in if you’re Mary-Kate Olsen.
• If the groom drops the wedding band during the ceremony, J-Lo won’t even notice, because she’ll already be hooking up with an usher.
• Red sky at night, sailor’s delight; Hagar in Van Halen, sailors jump from railing.